Thursday, March 4, 2010

I am having a hard time today...

I am having a little bit of a hard time today, so I thought, well I can always blog about it...maybe getting it out will help me a little! The source of my tough day is my brother mainly. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE him to death! He is such a sweet kid, he has aspirations for his life, he is a good dad, and a loving young person...and then I think WHAT THE HELL AM I SAYING? Now, I DO love him - and at times all of those things are true...but he let's drugs, drinking, selfishness, laziness, etc get in the way of him becoming the person I know is in there and that he can be!

Yes, he does love his daughter - but can you just say I love her and I am a good dad, when you are constantly acting like she is a chore and are ready to pawn her off the first minute someone else walks in the door...or that you don't bathe her and run into the bathroom to take your own bath just as my mom was walking her down the hall to give her a bath...or that you graduated almost 2 years ago and are still mooching off of your mom not bothering to get a job to pay for the things that your daughter needs...which ones of those makes you a good dad???

Yes, he does talk about his plans for the future, about going to a trade school, about getting a job...but it is all talk. When are you going to get off of your butt and actually go out and look for a job - ANY JOB - so you can support yourself and your family. How about not talking about quitting doing drugs...and just quitting them! Mom has paid for rehab twice now and your heart was never in it and you just met people there to sell you more drugs!

I am tired of the lies! I am tired of being told, yeah I was sick of the drugs so I sat mom down and told her what I was doing and asking for help...when the story from mom was that you were acting strange, went to the store (with her debit card) to get some formula and when mom told you to buy a drug test, you miraculously cannot find where you put her card and had to come home...and once she pressured you, you finally cracked and told her!! How about the one when you told me that you got the job with the sewer...when come to find out, you had not even put in a damn application yet! Or how about a couple years ago when I was heart to heart talking to you for several hours about turning your life around and you fed me a bunch of bullshit and once I left I texted you and said "I hope you did not just tell me what you thought I wanted to hear" to which you replied "yeah, I did"!! I cannot trust a word that comes out of your mouth! And I am so saddened by that!

It hurts me to know that you have hit mom, kicked her, thrown gum in her hair, called her the nastiest of names, told her that you wished she would have died when your dad did, or worse, that you wish she had died instead of your dad!! I know that you have been hurt with the death of your dad - but that does not give you the right to be so mean and cruel to mom...the one who is there for you every step of the way, the one who took in your homeless, drop out girlfriend when you got her pregnant, the one who pays for a phone just so she can get a hold of you because she is constant fear that she will lose you too, the one who pays for you to have a roof over your head, a car to drive, food to eat, EVERYTHING even down to your nasty cigarette habit! And you don't even have the courtesy to clean up after yourself. Sitting home day in and say out with no job and no responsibilities and you cannot even do anything around the house! Your daughter is 3 months old...will start scooting and crawling soon enough and what is she going to do? Crawl in the midst of your half eaten cereal bowl, the dirty underwear and towels on the floor and god forbid some drugs that you dropped or forgot that you had!! I am sickened to know that she lives in that! I am disheartened to know that my mom works all day, comes home and is instantly given YOUR daughter because you and Kyrstin are pooped out on being parents and want to go party! I am just distraught about the whole situation!

I do love my brother...but I just wish there was a way that I could open his eyes...but I know that he has to open them himself! I had hoped that Emilyn would have been that eye opener, since she wasn't, what will EVER be??

1 comment:

Meeko Fabulous said...

Gosh as much as it pains me to say it . . . Perhaps threatening him with a call to Child Protective Services? I mean, if little Emilyn is in danger of accidentally ingesting drugs? That's an unsafe environment for her. Argh. Family. Hugs to you friend.